What do we do when the chill bumps recede? Well, We Live! That is what we do. We put one foot in front of the other and enter into each day. We enter into our lives. It's funny to say that because it seems like such a normal thing to do... we do it every day. We live. We love our kids, our spouses, our partners... we wash clothes, avoid doing dishes, argue with our spouse and then make up. We live.
Living can be crazy too... it can be hard to be called to put one foot in front of the other. Especially, when life isn't what we wish it was...when everything goes on and your heart has a different heaviness. It's not always right on the surface but it is there. Life does go on after things happen, when loss creeps in. You are still mom, wife and friend but sometimes you feel like a spectator to the whole thing. But in the middle of it... in the middle of this living there is incredible beauty. I know. I've seen it. I've felt it. It's like the sky sparkles differently somehow... or maybe it always did but I was too damn busy to see it. The living becomes different... at least it has for me... It becomes intentional.
I have been thinking a lot about living in the past two weeks and what that looks like. What I want it to look like. What I have come to is the word INTENTIONAL. Intentional living... choosing what I want my day to look like, not being swept away by it. Choosing where and when I spend my time. I am finding that this new look at intentional living has given my spirit as a whole a new sense of strength. It's weird... I was trying to feel what word would describe what intentionality has given me and it's hard to describe. Some people may already be good at being intentional but I have not always been. I have a creative brain... lots of ideas and have a hard time sitting still. Being thoughtfully intentional in living is new for me. I think it has also given me autonomy. I feel I am choosing my life. It is not choosing me. I feel like I am walking. I feel the earth beneath me. I am in it. I am choosing to be where I am regardless of the wind around me.
So, in the past two weeks I have felt the chill bumps of joy and elation at new truths to my life... entered back into the busyness of it... pondered the anniversary of losing my brother and done the day to day stuff you do. Although, those initial chill bumps are gone there is a different feeling on my skin, it seems to be deeper, not just on the surface. It is the sweet deep truths I am thankful for. I believe those moments of chill bumps are necessary, at least they are for me, they cheer me on, I guess. They give me new hope in times that I am tired, they wake me up to the truth of it all, the unknowing of it all, the emotions of my life. Then they settle in and stay with me... evolving into the deeper truth I cary with me as I journey with intention.
I love this poem by Mary Oliver.
I was introduced to it a couple of weeks ago...
so many parts of this poem have affirmed how lovely it is to just be...
to love what I love...
and how wonderful it is to be a part of this family of things.
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
~ Mary Oliver ~
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